you are what you love
by iphianeira
Summary: (not who loves you.) ten drabbles for padma patil and the ipod shuffle challenge.
1. candles

_**[candles - darren criss and chris colfer]**  
[you're prejudiced]_

"Dean? Dean, _answer_ me, don't stay quiet – "

"I – I did," Padma's fiancé says quietly.

A sudden pain tugs at her chest, and she pushes Dean away from her. "Just go, Dean."

"Padma – "

"Leave my _house_."

"Our house, Padma – "

" _My_ house, Dean. I paid for it. You're some kind of starving artist. You contributed _nothing_."

" _Padma_ , I'm _trying_ to make this work – "

The young woman huffs. "Yeah, which is why you _stole paints_ , you _idiot_. You can _never_ provide for yourself, and I'm sick of it. You're a nothing."

"Sorry, Padma, but you can't say anything like that. You're prejudiced, your family's been rich your whole life. And it's not like _you're_ doing anything significant with your life."

Padma's expression hardens further. "Leave my fucking house."

"I love you, Padma," Dean says, resigned, and turns away, shuffling towards the foyer.

She doesn't care. She _doesn't_. _Padma doesn't care_.

So she tells herself. She tells herself it doesn't matter, that Dean was never meant for her in the first place. She tries not to think of how hard it'll be to tell Parvati they're in a hard place; she tries not to remember the reality of Dean and his artistic intelligence, his humor, his kindness.

But she's not quite successful.


	2. i want to hold your hand

_**[i want to hold your hand - the beatles]  
**_ _[spellbook]_

One minute has passed since an enormous bell clanged throughout the halls of Hogwarts, signaling the beginning of the class, and Terry Boot has not yet occupied his seat.

Padma would mention this to Su and Lisa, but she doesn't think they'd understand. They probably haven't even noticed that Terry's gone. He doesn't really command attention, truthfully. Nor are his lanky features particularly attractive. But Padma, well… Padma's got it bad.

She has only known him for a small number of months – what is it now, five? – and now, at the beginning of semester number two, she is completely and entirely obsessed with the way Terry laces his dress shoes and the way he smiles slightly when he answers a question correctly and the way he runs his hands through his scalp when he's anxious. She's old enough to have a boyfriend, right? Her neighbor, John, _always_ owls her about his new girlfriend, and John's only three months older.

So Padma dreams and dreams and dreams about the day that Terry Boot will reach over sometime at the end of class as she's retiring her spellbook to her bag, catch her attention, and simply grab her free hand with his.


	3. the i love you song

_**[the i love you song - the twenty-fifth annual putnam county spelling bee]  
**_ _[unicorn]_

Gautami has not seen her daughter in six years, and Padma cannot stand it.

When Gautami left, she barely knew; at the age of eight, Padma was inquisitive, curious, but never concerning her rather dysfunctional family. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism, she thinks now, to pay attention to everything but her parents. At that young age, she merely thought her family boring. Of course, it is otherwise; it's the type of life written about in books, books where the protagonist's parents don't care about her and yet she learns to overcome that hardship and become a beautiful person. Padma isn't quite sure those stories are quite accurate.

When a mother leaves for a spiritual quest when her twin daughters have only just turned eight, the children are _damaged_. When a father takes out his anger on his daughters, the children are _damaged_. When a sister reduces her twin to a meaningless childhood plaything, that child is _damaged_.

And when the girls in Care of Magical Creatures flock to the unicorn Professor Grubbly-Plank has brought for them, Padma restrains. She's far too impure for a unicorn to even notice.


	4. march

_**[march (from raiders of the lost ark) - john williams]  
**_ _[battery]_

Padma can do this. She _will_ face this challenge. The Death Eaters simply won't be _allowed_ to win. Hogwarts itself will conquer evil. She has never felt this energized, as if she has been Transfigured into a Muggle battery and only just been recharged to the maximum. Nothing is more important than _this_.

Perhaps it is adrenaline coursing through her veins that is allowing her this wonderful reprieve from the pitiful, helpless creature that she is – and yet she thinks, in the back of her mind, that it could perhaps be otherwise.

It certainly _can't_ be the presence of the brave, dark-skinned boy at her side.


	5. for the first time in forever (reprise)

_**[for the first time in forever (reprise)**_ _ **-**_ _ **frozen]  
**_ _[rictusempra]_

Parvati is beaming, and Padma doesn't understand why.

" _Mom's home_ , Padma! Mom! She's home! She's _back_!" Parvati exclaims, looking as if someone has cast _Rictusempra_ upon her, and Padma can't help but half-smile at her excitement. No matter how much Parvati might dislike her sister, Padma will always love when her twin experiences happiness, after those long two years without it.

Parvati's elated grin falters as she notices Padma's lack of one. "Padma, what's wrong?"

Padma sighs, looking downwards. She can't meet her sister's eyes. "Gautami doesn't love us anymore, Parv."

There is a pause, and then, from Parvati, a quiet, dejected, "What?"

"She was gone for so _long_ , Parv. If she loved us, she'd have returned by now."

There is only silence, and after a long, drawn-out minute, during which Padma thinks she sees tears welling in the corners of her sister's eyes, Parvati turns and leaves – just like Gautami.


	6. save rock and roll

_**[save rock and roll - fall out boy ft. elton john]  
**_ _[lemonade]_

 _You are who you love – not who loves you._

Padma has never found it more relevant.

She loves him. She _knows_ she does, because he has been her rock, ever since Gautami left her without a mother and Devraj left her without a father and Parvati left her without a sister. He has always, _always_ been there for her – until now, of course.

For the past few months, she has nearly _become_ him. She has loved what he loves, found new pleasure in the work of pastels, understood his love for sport, even discovered a sudden taste for lemonade despite her lifelong hatred of the stuff.

It is only now that she realizes he's never done the same.


	7. i dreamed a dream

_**[i dreamed a dream - les miserables]  
**_ _[wingardium leviosa]_

Padma was a wishful child.

When she had just turned eight and her mother had only just left for India, her imagination kept her breathing. She dreamt of the unicorns she saw in her parents' old schoolbooks, their pure white flanks prancing across her mind's eye; she dreamt of the time when she would hold a length of wood in her elegant little hands and make her dolls rise up into the air. She dreamt of the day her mother would return, enveloping Padma and Parvati in a bone-crushing bear hug like she always did when they were small.

She always expected those dreams to come true.


	8. we'll meet tomorrow

_**[we'll meet tomorrow - titanic: a new musical]**_ _  
[broom closet]_

The Room of Requirement has never felt so small, and Padma's throat clenches. If the Death Eaters forced her to admit it, she would have to say that she is absolutely and entirely _terrified_. The Hogwarts students and sudden visitors are filing out of the room, and yet she stands alone, unmoving.

A voice calls her name, and she blindly shuffles towards it. Dean. _Dean_ , who is _back_.

"Padma," he says again, drawing her into the tiny broom closet in the corner of the Room. "Padma, I just – "

He pauses, and she examines his eyes, warm and brown even in the darkness of the closet. "Padma, I just want you to know – er, you can do this. We'll get through it. Together, right?"

She smiles faintly. "Together."

"I'll meet you tomorrow, Padma," he says, and he softly presses his lips to hers.

"Yeah," Padma says, dazed, as he pulls away. "I'll meet you tomorrow."

They smile.

They leave.

They fight.


	9. jessie's girl

_**[jessie's girl - rick springfield]  
**_ _[nothing can be more important than this]_

"You know who's _cute_?" Parvati asks conspiratorially, late at night, squished up against Padma on their shared queen bed. Rain pounds on the roof, despite the happy fact that it is holiday break and the precipitation falling should be snow. Devraj has long since gone to sleep, but that doesn't stop the pair of Patils from staying up later than usual.

Padma rolls her eyes. She has never quite liked _talking_ about boys. She _thinks_ about them rather often, sure, but they're not her choice conversation starter. But Parvati's _definitely_ been hiding something during the time she's been home for Christmas, and Padma intends to find out what it is. Knowing Parvati, it's something to do with a boy. "Who is it, Parv?"

" _Terry Boot_ ," Parvati sighs, and Padma freezes, but her sister continues, oblivious. "Like, he's only become attractive this year, but damn, Padma. He's _so_ cute. Nerdy cute, but still cute as hell!"

"Er, yeah," Padma says, hoping Parvati doesn't catch the very, very slight hitch in her voice. She's had practice denying the boys she fancies, but Parvati's never liked the same bloke she does.

Parvati's voice drops to a whisper as she reveals the secret she's been bursting with during the entire holiday. "He asked me out before winter break!"

The Ravenclaw twin's mouth drops open before she catches herself and closes it. "Congratulations, Parv," she says sullenly.

"Oh my God, I know! _Nothing_ will be more important than _this date_ , Padma. Oh my God!"

Padma sighs, feeling a twinge in the corner of her eye and a sharp pain ebbing in her stomach.

"I think I'm going to bed."


	10. being alive

_**[being alive -**_ _ **company]  
**_ _[singing in the shower]_

Romance has never quite worked out for Padma. She could list on the fingers of her left hand the times she _hasn't_ had her heart entirely broken by the boy she's fancied latest. They've been dating someone or started dating someone or started dating Padma's sister _every damn time_ , leaving her belting cheesy Spellbound break-up songs in the shower. And finally, finally, romance and Padma _worked_ toegether–

Padma ruined it.

Because she needs someone, she does. She needs someone to know her too well, someone who'll always be there, because she's _never_ had that, not with her mother, not with her father, not with her sister, and every time she thinks some boy _will_ be there for her, he _leaves, leaves, leaves_.

But not Dean. Padma ruined Dean.

If she ruined him, can she not repair him as well?

She picks up a quill.

She addresses a letter.

It begins.


End file.
